I sat and cried when he told me that he wasn’t coming.
You really care for someone when they try to tell a joke and it sucks and they know it and acknowledges it…. and your response is “It’s okay.” And continues on with chatting.
I would truly love to be able for one day, view myself as the people around me view me. I’m absolutely my worst and most harsh and hateful critic. I’d like to see how that manifests in my daily doings. Especially, to be another person. To feel their feelings. I’d like to be three different people throughout the day. I think that would be such a great experience.
Ahrieyin & Makenzie
Have you ever been so in love, yet so afraid to be in love?
I actually don’t know if embedment is a word. But it is today. I moved into my 1 bedroom apartment on September 15, 2016. By force, I feel. The first time I tried to live alone, one of my good friends needed a place to stay. The second time, my mother forced my sister to ask me if we could live together instead of living alone. Of course I said yes.
I recently lost my full time job & wrecked my sisters car, to make a long story short. As our lease was ended she told me that she was looking for an apartment, just for herself.
I felt alone. Cast out. Unloved. All over again. But if she didn’t want to be around me anymore, who was I to disagree. So I sucked it up, pretended like that was okay & said okay.
About a month after losing my job I ended up getting two jobs. To my surprise, I was able to sustain myself with just one. The other was like just for “fun” for lack of better words. Maybe so I wouldn’t have time to be down. But as I realized something. Even though I was sad, I still felt like God had my back. Us against the world. Despite my love for the word fuck, he loved me anyway.
Anyway. I’m in my apartment. Kind of afraid that I may not be able to handle all of this on my own. But let me tell you has my Mans Jesus works. I was taking pictures to organize my digital closet & one of the first items that I picked up was a blazer by a brand named Mustard Seeds. I don’t know if you know how large a mustard seeds is. It isn’t large at all. Actually it is quite small. And I don’t know if you grew up in church, but I did. There is a verse that speaks of moving mountains if you have the faith the size of a mustard seeds. Matthew 17:20 to be exact.
I felt so good when I remember that little tidbit of info. Job is usually my go to. But I think that I forgot that yes, even though Job went through a lot. Job kept the faith & was rewarded. I was so stuck on trying to overcome. Trying hard to stay like Job. I didn’t realize that I had already moved mountains with the faith that God had my back.
So I’m glad that those principals were embedded in me. Whether I always remember or not, it manifests within me when I need it.
All of these years of life that God has given you & you think that you’re only allowed to do one thing for the rest of your life? Fuck that. Do it all.